8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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