If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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