I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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