Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
