im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
