Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize