the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The adults are the big ones right?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize