I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
worst night to have a conscience
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
