For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
