man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.