I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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