and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
