I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
