What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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