Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
