so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
