i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
