The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
