I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
