i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
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