I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
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