I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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