There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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