sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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