We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
