i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
