Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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