She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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