I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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