You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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