i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
