We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
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surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
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Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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