I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
