Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
