I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
