I haven't been this sober since birth.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
