Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
