How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
