Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
