i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
