I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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