I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
