i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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