K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
