I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sext me about skeletons
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