Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
