I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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