I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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