i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
