so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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