I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
