Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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