I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
