if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
