My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
