Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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