So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
